This morning, we bring the alert citizens of Central Florida news from Winter Park -- teenagers have begun fighting at Lake Howell High School and our staff statistician informs us that the likelihood of the apocalypse breaking at a high school is -- in his words -- extremely likely. [Technically, our staff statistician is Hank the Skunk Ape who has no formal mathematical training -- and no, that's not a nickname. He really is a skunk ape. Let's keep this on the DL, okay? -- Ed]
Our staff statistician also provided us with the probability that the rage virus from the 28 Days Later movies could be the real culprit behind the sparring teenagers at Lake Howell High School. This, Hank tells us, is almost undeniable. "The proof is in the pudding skin excrement," Hank says. "The rage virus spreads incredibly fast. Today there's two teenagers fighting in Winter Park; tomorrow it'll be a million teenagers in Winter Park and Orlando. The numbers don't lie."
When asked if perhaps the teenage violence was a result of raging hormones and not a raging virus, Hank scoffed: 'Who's the trained statistician, here, huh? Who gets paid the big bucks for this kind of analysis?"
Frankly, we're wondering that ourselves.