This installment of Creative Orlando is a webcomic called Seminal Works are for Pornstars, and we think the title alone earns itself a spot on our digital shelves. Seminal Works recently hit its 1-year anniversary and currently has 72 strips in its archive (in addition to an iPad book available for free on iTunes).
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Marion County School Board Votes 3-2 to Ban Spanking of Elementary Students; Orlando Insider Invites Two Marion County School Board Members to Join the Rest of Central Florida to the Year 2014
FROM THE WHAT-THE-FUCK DEPARTMENT: Worse than voting to ban spanking in the Marion County public schools, it was only last year that the Marion County School Board voted to allow it IN THE FIRST PLACE.
At least three out of the five board members (eventually) saw the error in their ways. As for the other two, well, we imagine that ClickOrlando had to get that picture of a holy paddle from someone. But Orlando Insider doesn't point fingers.
Rouse Road Shooting Victim Taken to ORMC; Local Deputies Not Sure if Victim Was Shot; MyNews13 Scrapes Bottom of 24-Hour Local News Barrel
Hey, we get it. Writing the news isn't easy. That's why here at Orlando Insider, we prefer to just make it up.
News 13, Central Florida's own 24-hour local news television channel, reported this morning about a teenager who was walking along Rouse Road and somehow got injured.
"At first they said this was a shooting. But now we're told they are not sure if the child suffered a gunshot wound."
Let's be clear: Orange County deputies aren't sure if it was gunshot wound. They are sure that the teen was taken to Orlando Regional with "non-life threatening injuries" and is expected to survive. Maybe. If things go well. We really won't know for sure until tonight. Or sometime tomorrow. Depending on whether or not anything more interesting happens.
Some more tidbits from the the News13 story, which was posted at 6:47 this morning:
- "[The teen] was hit by something."
- "Rouse Road was closed for a while" but reopened eventually, kinda.
- Don't worry, it's cool: this is a developing story, so if it seems like it's light on facts, just refresh the page. [The News13 page, not this one. Italicized emphasis from us, not News13. -- Ed.]
Trigger-Happy Florida Fish & Wildlife is First Line of Defense in Sanford's Bearpocalypse; Bears Unavailable to Comment Due to Lack of Being Alive; Solar Bears Sharpening Hockey Sticks in Preparation for the Inevitable
Shoot first, shoot again, shoot some more, shoot until it looks like swiss cheese ... ask questions later. Maybe.
Here at Orlando Insider, we're always on the lookout for the next sign of the coming apocalypse, so you can imagine the size of our end-of-the-world boner when we started digging into the recent Seminole County bear attacks. In the year leading up to the latest mauling, there were 44 incidents of "nuisance bear" reports within a mile of latest victim's home. This last mauling has resulted in the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission euthanizing seven local bears. [The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission is commonly known as FWC, but we've spelled it out here to point out the obvious irony. -- Ed]
“Our staff is dedicated to wildlife conservation. Having to put down these bears is a very difficult decision, but it’s the right decision to ensure public safety.”
Citing the bears' fearlessness of humans, trash can vandalism, and three legitimate bear attacks in the last five months (one of which was a hoax, so, you know, not so legitimate) [as reported by Orlando Sentinel -- Ed.] FWC has deemed it necessary to mount an offensive defense against the county's native residents.
"A fed bear is a dead bear."
Of course, of the euthanized bears, not one has been confirmed as the original mauler. But don't worry: at the rate FWC is going, the Seminole County bear population (and threat of Bearpocalypse!) should be quickly neutralized. The numbers don't lie: eradicate all the bears and eventually you'll kill the one trouble maker.
Here at the Orlando Insider Apocalypse Watch department, we tip our hats to the Conservation Commission. Clearly, the local bear population has been infected with some kind of transmutant, species-jumping rage-virus like in 28 Days Later. It's the only explanation for why these nature-dwelling hellbeasts would suddenly attack the encroaching human civilization that likes to leave bear buffets in trash cans alongside or near their silly human abodes.
"In order to ensure the rage virus doesn't jump from bears to humans, the bear population must be neutralized."
[Thankfully, the bears can't offer any type of defense. If they could, they might err on the side of Stand Your Ground ("Hey man, I was just cruising the bear buffet and these stupid humans invaded MY space. With all these bear killings, I was feeling a pretty threatened, man!"), and with the legislature's new laws that hide Stand Your Ground cases from public scrutiny, well, we'd all be fucked. -- Ed]
In a story out of Tampa, FL an 11 year-old girl has been given this nation's first expandable bionic arm. MyNews13 reports that the "expandability" is intended to match the girl's growth over the years to come, but here at Orlando Insider, we know that the TRUTH is another little thing that requires a little expansion.
Orlando Insider's muti-faceted military correspondent, Hank the Skunk Ape, speculated that the 11 year-old girl was likely an early-recruit being outfitted with highly-experimental super soldier technology. The arm of government to blame for such nefarious activity?
"All of it," Hank stated bluntly and with a sweeping gesture of his meaty hand. "Specifically, though, a deeply-secret, unknown faction of government more powerful than the FBI, the CIA, and the NSA all rolled into one. We can only speculate as to the name of this agency, but colloquially we refer to it as the UGA."
So what does UGA stand for? Hey, this isn't our first governmental coverup/misdirection rodeo, so we went straight to the source. We emailed the secret, unknown government agency and asked them. Here's their response:
The "UGA", short for Unknown Government Agency, does not exist. We repeat: THE UGA DOES NOT EXIST. There is no "super soldier program" and the 11 year-old girl in Tampa is just afflicted with a rare medical condition that required cutting-edge bionic technology -- something we happen to be rather good at, here in America. Also, please stop emailing us.
We can read between the lines, UGA spokesperson. WE CAN READ BETWEEN THE LINES. To round this story out, here's a quote from executives at Marvel (who have been predicting just this sort of story for decades):
We told you so, we told you so! NANA NANA BOO BOO!!! THBBBBTTT!!!!
We'll report more on this story as it develops. In the meantime, click the source link below for the rest of the details and remember: the UGA is watching.
So, you know, put some pants on.
The Florida legislature has expanded the state's Stand Your Ground law to keep all stand your ground cases secret from the media and public scrutiny.
Because public scrutiny is the ONLY THING that keeps Florida's legal system from operating like a well-oiled, finely-tuned, criminal-crushing machine of doom.
For more details, read the full story at Orlando Weekly.
Source: Orlando Weekly
Although widely reported to by caused by "strong winds" during a microburst event, a small plane was flipped in Daytona Beach on Monday. See the following description of this elusive microburst:
According to Meteorologist Ali Turiano, a microburst is a localized downdraft (sinking air) in a thunderstorm. The air (downdraft) moves out of the storm toward the ground, it then spreads outward in all directions. Microbursts can cause damage. They can be as comparable, and in some cases, worse than tornadoes.
Here at Orlando Insider, we know that the only thing more elusive than a microburst is a microburst of truth, and the truth is that it's a well-documented fact that juvenile skunk apes LOVE to engage in the prank of tipping large objects (or flipping, as the case may be). Skunk Apes, as reported by our own correspondent, Hank the Skunk Ape, are notoriously secretive and equally elusive, so it only makes sense that they would use the cover of dangerous, stormy weather to engage in any delinquent activity.
So what's the REAL danger, MyNews13? These mythical "microbursts"? Or the majestically misunderstood Florida Skunk Ape?
Here at Orlando Insider, we like to let our readers decide.
Here at Orlando Insider, we WISH we could ride the Sunrail, Central Florida's new commuter train set to start taking passengers May 1st, 2014. Unfortunately, in addition to an extreme case of social anxiety disorder and agoraphobic tendencies, we have a very specific fear of being trapped in a long metal tube and being baked to death under the sweltering Florida sun.
We're also scared that pterodactyls with laser-beams for eyes will invade from an alternate future and enslave humanity, but that's neither here nor there.
For more information on Sunrail's habit-forming mass transit system, be sure to visit Sunrail.com.
[When asked to comment, OI.o's fashion editor Jeb Jorgensen said, "For the last time, I'm NOT gay!" Then he spun in a dramatic flourish and stormed off, only to immediately return in order to slam the door, before heading out to meet a date at the Parliament House. -- Ed]
An historic landmark in Foxborough, Massachusetts went up in flames during a wedding ceremony. Unfortunately, having the building burn down around them was not part of the bride and groom's wedding plans, although here at Orlando Insider, we think that it just isn't a party until the pyrotechnics set the building on fire. Of course, in this story it was a careless smoker setting everything on fire, but we think the sentiment remains the same.
Who are we to argue with every single Michael Bay film ever made?
Side note: WKMG isn't reporting that anyone was hurt, so we think it's safe to say that no one was hurt.
Side-side note: Florida's dry season (read: brushfire season) runs through April. Watch your butts out there, Orlando. Also, dispose of your cigarettes and magnifying glasses properly.