1) Refrain from letting your child sh*t on the floor like an animal
2) See rule 1, except it should also apply for walls, ceilings, animals, etc.
3) See rules 1 and 2, except for extra credit let's try to keep the child from sh*tting on themselves
4) Keep the child from running out of your home naked. (extra credit: keep them from doing that while covered in sh*t)
If these four simple rules were the guidelines, then George Howard and Lucy Johnson would receive a failing grade in our Imagined Parenting 101 college class. It's like they looked at the rules, looked to each other, and then nodded solemnly, knowing full well what they needed to do as parents. (Read: break the f*ck out of each those beautifully simple rules.)
Meanwhile, as our story develops, a police officer was enjoying a lunch at a nearby diner, blissfully unaware of the fecal fiasco that would hit the fan only feet away from him.
Suddenly (and with alleged gusto) a sh*t covered toddler waltzed into the diner and began to stare at the patrons. The police officer dropped his fork and wondered what he had done to offend God this day. Soon after, he escorted the boy back to his sh*t covered home, where he found the parents passed out. After calling the Department of Children and Families, he and his partner begrudgingly left the child with his family.
The next day, an agent from DCF pulled into the apartment complex's parking lot, and was immediately confused by the sight of a nude toddler -- covered in dried feces -- pacing to and fro. The DCF agent took the child to his shi*t covered home, where he found the parents were once again passed out. Reasons as to why are unclear at this time, but the DCF agent returned the toddler to his parents and bid them good day.
The very next, a call was sent to the police from the very same diner where our story began. Much to everyone's surprise, there was a nearly-nude, feces-covered child (this time he was wearing an adult t-shirt) staring at the diner's patrons.
When the police returned the boy to his sh*t covered home, the parents answered the door and said they had been -- yep, you guess it! -- passed out.
Finally, the parents were taken into custody for what we can only assumed is legally described as Super Child Neglect. The child in question was finally taken into DCF custody.