Following the seemingly endless rains of prior weeks, central Florida has seen one apocalyptical portent after another, ranging from the aforementioned floodwaters to the ground literally opening up and devouring a family's SUV. While our hearts go out to the displaced Marion County family who lost their vehicle to a sinkhole, our intrepid reporters are tracking down the rest of the story. We have yet to hear back from Mother Nature herself, but we speculate that the whole SUV devouring sinkhole is likely just Mother Nature saying enough is enough -- she's mad as hell and isn't going to take it anymore. You know what it feels like to be thoughtlessly raped by the inefficient, ozone-deplating gas hogs that are SUVs? No? Well let's see how you feel after I EAT YOUR FREAKING CAR.
[The Orlando Insider writing staff is scheduled to undergo sensitivity training next week. -- Ed.]
Putting aside the fact that the worst apocalypse we could possibly imagine would be the earth itself rebelling against humankind, we turn our attention to THE OTHER WORST APOCALYPSE WE COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE:
Witness our staff artist's rendition of what Mosquitopocalypse would look like:
"Extremely likely. In fact, considering the sheer volume of mosquitoes that are estimated to be involved with Mosquitopocalypse 2011, one could possibly say that their count is 'innumerable'. If something is innumerable, we can then assume it is infinite [See the artist's rendition above -- Ed.] and in an instance of infinity, there are an infinite amount of probable instances that are literally guaranteed to occur, because of the infinite probability attached to this scenario. Therefore, yes, somewhere within the infinite mosquitopocalypse swarm, a single insect will carry the zombie virus. And since we know that the virus is highly contagious, the infinite number of mosquitoes guarantees that the virus will spread through the cloud, indefinitely, making this virtually the most terrifying apocalyptic scenario we've ever predicted."
Yep, we just peed ourselves.