Did you miss any of our stories from last week? Here's a video recap of some of the funnier bits:
Have something we should see? Send us a story!
If there was a college class on parenting, we here at Orlando Insider imagine that it would be fairly simple. It would consist of the following rules:
1) Refrain from letting your child sh*t on the floor like an animal
2) See rule 1, except it should also apply for walls, ceilings, animals, etc.
3) See rules 1 and 2, except for extra credit let's try to keep the child from sh*tting on themselves
4) Keep the child from running out of your home naked. (extra credit: keep them from doing that while covered in sh*t)
If these four simple rules were the guidelines, then George Howard and Lucy Johnson would receive a failing grade in our Imagined Parenting 101 college class. It's like they looked at the rules, looked to each other, and then nodded solemnly, knowing full well what they needed to do as parents. (Read: break the f*ck out of each those beautifully simple rules.)
Meanwhile, as our story develops, a police officer was enjoying a lunch at a nearby diner, blissfully unaware of the fecal fiasco that would hit the fan only feet away from him.
Suddenly (and with alleged gusto) a sh*t covered toddler waltzed into the diner and began to stare at the patrons. The police officer dropped his fork and wondered what he had done to offend God this day. Soon after, he escorted the boy back to his sh*t covered home, where he found the parents passed out. After calling the Department of Children and Families, he and his partner begrudgingly left the child with his family.
The next day, an agent from DCF pulled into the apartment complex's parking lot, and was immediately confused by the sight of a nude toddler -- covered in dried feces -- pacing to and fro. The DCF agent took the child to his shi*t covered home, where he found the parents were once again passed out. Reasons as to why are unclear at this time, but the DCF agent returned the toddler to his parents and bid them good day.
The very next, a call was sent to the police from the very same diner where our story began. Much to everyone's surprise, there was a nearly-nude, feces-covered child (this time he was wearing an adult t-shirt) staring at the diner's patrons.
When the police returned the boy to his sh*t covered home, the parents answered the door and said they had been -- yep, you guess it! -- passed out.
Finally, the parents were taken into custody for what we can only assumed is legally described as Super Child Neglect. The child in question was finally taken into DCF custody.
Source: Click Orlando
Not OUR Mike.
There comes a time in every lowly, determined, strikingly-handsome blogger's life when they finally break through the proverbial wall and receive proof that they aren't just talking to themselves whenever they post a blog.
Yes, we're talking about our virginity. Our comment-virginity. And here at Orlando Insider, we couldn't be happier to have finally lost ours. Seriously, after awhile, it just gets embarrassing. We were hanging out with some of our other blogging friends [Ed: we have no friends, this is a blatant lie.] and when the topic of blog comments came up, we found ourselves getting mocked relentlessly by all the other guys. It was like high school, college, and the last six years of our lives ALL OVER AGAIN.
Thankfully, our cherry has been popped, thanks to Mike. [Ed: not the one in the picture. Hopefully.] We don't want to get too cocky about it, but the truth is that it was pretty good. We mean, there's "the first time" and then there's "THE MOTHERF*CKING FIRST TIME OF OUR MOTHERF*CKING LIVES".
Ours was the latter. And all credit goes to that stallion of stallions, Mike:
Maybe I missed the Desepticon entry that night, but I did witness someone setting off Chinese Wish/Celebration Lanterns at that location and at the same time of the "fireball" sitings. These sky lanterns are basically small tissue paper hot-air balloons with a candle-like flame source which lifts them several hundred feet up and keeps them aglow for up to 10 minutes.
I watched them go up, slowly drift high over the pier[and in view of the bar from which reports were filed], then fade to a small red spark well above the ocean. It's a shame that some feel a need to fake/photoshop sitings...they actually only damage the credibility of real events.
Obviously, Mike is commenting on our story about the fireball that crashed into the ocean off the coast of Flagler Beach. And since Mike was generous enough to be our first, we thought it was only fair to follow up our original story with an in-depth interview with a person who is a frequent witness to unexplained phenomena [Ed: Casey Anthony?] -- the proverbial expert, if you will.
We met up with Hank the Skunk Ape yesterday afternoon, about three hours south of Orlando. At Hank's request, we're not posting the exact location since he wants to protect his family from those "goddamned crazy, rat-obsessed tourists".
"What's up with that fireball in Flagler Beach?" we asked, after engaging in the mandatory fecal-smearing welcome ritual of the Skunk Ape.
"Alleged," Hank corrected quickly.
"We're a blog, Hank, not the six o'clock news. We can be definitive. And we're pretty sure it was the Decepticons, anyhow."
"Well, I was there, and it was no goddamn movie robot."
"They're not just movie robots!"
At this point, Hank rolled his eyes and then gave us a look that suggested he wanted to tear our arms off. We're familiar with this look because it's the same look our ex-girlfriend gave us on a daily basis.
"Okay, so what do you say to the allegations that the fireball was just a Chinese lantern?" we asked.
"Goddamned horsesh*t!" Hank bellowed. "You want to know what the fireball was? I was visiting Flagler and ended up taking a dump. Like I usually do, I lit my sh*t on fire and then threw it into the ocean." [Ed: Skunk Ape fecal matter is highly flammable.]
So there you have it, Mike.
Flagler Beach Fireball Explained: