Clean pants? Check.
Pre-date wank-a-thon? Double-check.
Here at Orlando Insider, we've done about all we can to get ready for the arrival of Irene. Sure, we've heard the rumors ... she has a temper; she can be really abusive; she's pretty much blown a LOT of dudes.
But look on the bright side: it's pretty much a lock that she'll give it up on the first date. At least a BJ. Plus, she said yes to the date in the first place. So how bad can she be?
Hm? What's that, National Hurricane Center? Irene's not coming?
That f*cking bitch. She stood us up.
Not only that, but she sent her friends wind, rain, and big waves to break the news. "She's busy," they yell, in only the way that wind, rain, and waves can yell [Ed: in a windy, rainy, wave-y voice].
Goddammit, Irene! We just jerked off to sixteen minutes of animated Simpsons porn for you!
The National Hurricane Center is telling us that she's on her way to North Carolina's instead? Like the whore she undoubtedly is. North Carolina probably has a bigger wallet, huh? [Ed: and by wallet, we mean penis.] We see how it is. Sure, North Carolina might have better cars, fancier places to eat, and an overall stronger economy ... but our state is SHAPED like a penis. You can't beat that with a stick. Or a penis. A blue whale's penis.
So go ahead! Go to your precious, leather-jacket wearing, "bad boy" North Carolina. We'll just stay home and listen to our records and try to pretend you didn't hurt us as much as you did.
And know this, Irene ... when North Carolina breaks your heart -- as it undoubtedly will -- remember that we jerked off to animated Simpsons porn for you. Because that's how much we cared.
The Heart-Broken Orlando Insider Writing Staff