Kinda like Count Olaf the crazy uncle. [He's not their uncle, but "either a third cousin four times removed, or a fourth cousin three times removed." Which actually might apply to this story. Who knows? We sure don't. -- Ed.]
The DCF was called in to take care of the children, but it is unclear at this time if they will now be relinquished into the care of progressively odder guardians. The assailant has been arrested on charges of first-degree murder.